People struggling with sin need compassion, practical solutions
2000-10-05

Well, I seem to have become the patron saint ( or patron columnist -- I'm not ready for canonization) of the sexual sin that starts with M.

For those of you just tuning in, I wrote a column last summer about that particular sin, and it brought in a virtual flood of letters. I wrote a follow-up several weeks ago, and the mail continues to pour in. The angry letters seem to have subsided. But I continue to receive very touching, poignant and heartbreaking letters from people struggling with this particular sin. They are grateful that someone has "broken the silence," and acknowledged what they've known in their hearts all along -- that this particular activity is not normal, natural or healthy. It is lonely, frustrating and guilt-producing. But as much as they want to stop it, they can't.

I wrote a column in response to the angry letters. But I still haven't responded to those who need a response most -- those struggling with the sin itself, those who want to quit but find it difficult. And so, before closing the subject, I wanted to address them. The rest of you are welcome to read along -- there is valuable information here for anyone who wishes to live a holier, more chaste life.

Not being an "expert," I have referred extensively to The Courage to be Chaste , the beautiful book written by the brilliant psychologist and spiritual writer Fr. Benedict Groeschel. Groeschel, incidentally, uses the term "auto-eroticism" (it doesn't mean you think cars are sexy) instead of the "M" word. I'll do the same.

Severe, persistent temptation to the sin of auto-eroticism is, more than anything, a symptom. It tends to happen when we're feeling lonely, frustrated, anxious, bored or just plain bad about ourselves, or when we're struggling with unresolved inner conflicts. And so, the more lonely/frustrated/conflicted we're feeling, the more vulnerable we become. Auto-eroticism, then, is frequently a symptom of a life too empty -- or at least too empty of the things that really matter.

The sin, of course, does tremendous damage and must stop. But the best way to do that is not necessarily to shut it down through sheer force of will power. That's not to say that a certain amount of willpower isn't necessary. It is, especially at first. But in the long run, the better way is to "crowd sin out" by filling our lives with so much real love, goodness and happiness that we no longer feel the need to escape. That can only be done through a very deliberate program of rearranging our lives. I've identified six steps which should be taken.

1) Confession and reconciliation: Auto-eroticism is, objectively speaking, a mortal sin. Granted, the level of compulsion, habit or addiction involved may lessen an individual's culpability before God, but certainty of that lies with Him, not us. And so this particular sin, like any mortal sin, must be confessed immediately, every single time it happens. Moreover, confession is healing. It takes our sin away. It brings an abundance of grace and Divine help, to move us closer to Him and further from our sins. It's the first and best way to lessen the compulsive power of any sin.

2) Prayer and Sacraments: Chastity is not easy. We are all subject to fallen human nature and to sexual temptation. We're weak -- very weak. The power to live chastity comes from God, not us. We all, quite simply, need Christ to save us from ourselves. And so we need to pray fervently for chastity -- daily, even hourly. Groeschel talks about the importance of the Eucharist in healing guilt, shame and sinfulness. So strive to spend more time in His Eucharistic presence (daily, if possible), as well as to receive Him in the Eucharist (again, daily, if possible.)

3) Real love: We were made to give our lives to others in love. Temptation to sexual sin is usually strongest when real love is weakest. In order to break out of its spiral, we need to absolutely fill our lives with healthy, loving, holy relationships based on recognizing the image and likeness of God in ourselves and others.

4) Goals: What gets you excited, in the best possible sense of the word? What is your goal? What have you always wanted to do, to accomplish? Whatever it is, do it! The enthusiasm, the sense of achievement, the self-esteem boost -- it'll do wonders for reducing the need to close in on yourself.

5) Therapy: Everybody struggles with unresolved issues at some point. And severe temptation to sexual sin frequently accompanies those struggles. Groeschel says that "sexual self-control is often the weakest link in an individual's personality and control system. When things go badly or when one is under great pressure, undesirable sexual behavior is likely to occur." (The Courage to be Chaste, p. 48) As long as those issues remain, the temptation will remain. (And will, in fact, probably keep getting stronger. It's the psyche's way of demanding that you deal with the issues at hand.) The best thing to do for yourself is to see a good Catholic /Christian psychologist, and get to the root of whatever is holding you back.

6) Exercise: Lots and lots of exercise. Works off energy. 'Nuff said.

Groeschel says that it takes about three months to substantially reduce the pull of a habit. In other words, if someone can, through practicing these steps, manage to go three months without falling into sin, they have won a significant battle in the war against unchastity. That is not an easy task. But the rewards are fantastic.

We were made, on the deepest level, to live chastity. There is a joy and a peace in sexual self-mastery which is indescribable. It is an awareness of that joy which has motivated my life's work in chastity ministry. As Benedict Groeschel says:

"When a person's efforts to be chaste are continually realized, something quite beautiful happens -- something that has to be experience to be appreciated. There is not only a sense of accomplishment, but also a growing awareness of Christ's presence and of intimacy with Him in the soul . . . only one who has experienced this can believe it." (The Courage to be Chaste, p. 98)

Whoever you are, wherever you are, I want you to experience that joy, that presence and that intimacy. And I truly believe that you can.